Heckles

General

There's no crying in baseball !!!! Earrrrr Hole !! Grab Some Pine, Meat !

To be used on umpires (AKA "Blue")

Hey Blue, get off your knees. You're blowing the game! Hey Blue, you'd better polish that eye 'caus it aint working! Hey Blue, you couldn't call your own dog! Hey Blue, does your wife know you're screwing us? Hey Blue, the vet called. Your seeing eye dog died! Hey Blue, punch a hole in that mask. You're missing a great game! Ever heard of the plate Blue? It's the five sided white thing! Come on Blue, that was lower than your IQ! Hey Blue, when did the strike zone shrink to the size of your brain?!? Hey Blue, check out glasseye.com! The one you got is busted! Hey ump, your dog's lying to you! Hey Blue, you couldn't call rain! Hey Blue, I've seen better eyes on a potato! Come on Blue, that pitch was so low you'd need a shovel to find it ! Come on Blue, I get better calls from my ex-wife ! Hey Blue, where's your white stick? Hey Blue, get the fat out of your eyes ! (Fan) "Hey Blue, is it OK if I call you an idiot?" (Ump) "No!" (Fan) "OK, how about if I just think you're an idiot?" (Ump) "OK." (Fan) "HEY BLUE, I THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

To be used on players

General

Get a bigger head! (When a player's hat blows off) Hey, save it for the showers! (To be used when a player is doing squats or is taking his crouch as the pitch is thrown) Get back on the pimple and pitch punk! (If a pitcher is lollygaging behind the mound) That thing in your hand is called a BAT! Hey (player's name or Sally), try swinging your purse at it next time! Read the book ! It's Baseball for Dummies by Abner Doubleday!

Player Specific

Larry "Chipper" Jones (Sadly now retired. He will be missed ;-) 1. Hey Chipper, how's the Hooters baby? 2. Laaaaaaary, Laaaaaaary, Laaaaaaary etc.

Interestingly enough we did get a rather "erudite" e-mail response to the Hooters baby heckle above from Brooke S., a female Atlanta fan. Here's her e-mail in it's entirety. Apologies for the profanity, and bad grammar etc. that follows. "what the fuck is your problem!! that is the rudest thing i have ever heard! "how's the hooters baby?"!!!! what is wrong with you! making fun and dogging on him is one thing, but his kids!!! how low can you get. you're an ass! get over the whole hooters thing already!! everybody makes mistakes, like you've never cheated on somebody before!! ga-lee damn what the fuck, you ass!! i'm sure if you had a chance to fuck a hooters girl you would do it too!! shit, i would and i'm a girl!! just because a famous person does it suddenly makes it the butt of all jokes. grow the fuck up!!!" In rebuttal I have three points; "Like you've never cheated on somebody before!!" So cheating on your wife is OK ?!? Perhaps in Atlanta (Cue banjo's. C'mon, squeal like a pig!). The heckle does NOT make fun of the kid, it makes fun of the fact that he allegedly cheated on his wife with a Hooters girl! Allegedly, his wife at the time dumped him because he got Ms Hooters preggers and then Larry, aka Chipper, had to marry her! What the hell does "ga-lee damn" mean ? Thank you Brooke for that very enlightened input. Now back to the hole you crawled out of and take a grammar textbook and a copy of the OED (that's the Oxford English Dictionary you dimwit) with you! Follows is a cleaned up version of the above e-mail. I think this is what she meant to say ;-) "What the heck is your problem!! That is the rudest thing my shell like Southern Belle ears have ever heard! "How's the hooters baby?"! What is wrong with you ? Making fun of and insulting him is one thing, but targeting the progeny of those oh so "chipper" loins (I feel faint) is beyond the pale!!! How low can you get ? You're a horses rear! Please will you get over the whole hooters thing!! Everybody makes mistakes now and again. I'm sure you would be lying if you claimed to have never cheated on somebody before because God knows I have many a time!! I am so outraged I can barely speak!! I'm sure that if you had the chance to enjoy sexual congress with a Hooters girl you would not waste the opportunity and jump at the chance to get to grips with that gorgeous Marlene. My God, have you seen the gazongas on that one! How I'd like to.... oops, I'm rambling. Sorry. Golly, I would and I'm just a girl, not yet a woman (thank you Britney Spears you goddess you)!! Just because a famous person makes a mistake (though I really don't think it's such a big deal. I mean, it was only his wife he was cheating on, right ?) it suddenly makes them the butt of all jokes. Grow the heck up and leave my Chipper alone! He's mine, all mine, so back off!"

Any eratic pitcher 1. Try to hit the barn! 2. Did you take your medication today? 3. How many fingers?

If you have any heckles to add please send them to me.